Of Love and Expectations

“I do believe in love, love that betters and completes both the people involved, and not the love that fools either or both.”

- Apoorva Maheshwari

That is probably the best and simplest description, if not definition, of love I have come across. Most aspects of the human life are a trade. A modern day barter system. You get something in exchange for something. Love is no exception. I consider love not as a magical spell open to the whims of mysticism but a trade between two persons on an emotional level. A trade of ideals and of principles. It is logical and rational and definitely not blind. When I love someone, it is because I adore and respect certain qualities in that person and I know that the person feels the same for me. There is a sharing of ideals and principles. Both persons learn and understand themselves, each other and the world a little better. Each person becoming the fuel for the other to keep moving and living. A pillar of support whenever things get rough and a source of belief when the other questions his ability.

This love is not just restricted to the most intimate of relationships. Its true of love between friends as well. The degree of admiration and mutual connection determines the level of love and closeness of relationship. Of course you will never get a clone and in fact it is definitely not desirable that the person you love, your friend, be exactly like you. Every person has a few shortcomings and these need to be filled to some extent by those that he loves and those that love him. A mutual exchange. A human photocopy will not do.

Then comes an aspect that is a source of huge misunderstandings. That of expectations. Without doubt, this is the biggest cause of friction in most relationships. A source that gives rise to pain and illusions. In any relationship, expectations are prevalent. But there is a need to weigh them on a scale of rationality. Both the people involved in a relationship are individuals. Both have freedom of choice and are free to adopt and follow their own philosophy. Both have free will. Both will act or behave according to the philosophy they follow. So to expect someone to do something will inherently imply a constraint on his freedom unless he was planning to do the same regardless of the expectation.

Let me try to demonstrate the above statement with an example. I will take an inanimate object on purpose because it will behave independently, ideally and according to the laws that govern it. It will be independent of whims.

If I drop a cricket ball from the top of a building and “expect” it to fly instead of drop down I am restraining its natural behavior, its freedom. The ball will of course not let me restrain its freedom. It will drop down and I will feel hurt since my expectations were not met. But had I expected the ball to drop down, and then let it go, the ball would have met my expectations. Not because it cared for me, but simply because it would have done that regardless of my expectation. That’s the difference between irrationality and rationality.

You cannot escape irrational expectations without getting hurt, and rational expectations are really not necessary at all. They would be met regardless. You cannot pre-suppose a victim. You cannot expect someone to give up on their free will to achieve yours.

Thus in a relationship, there is effectively no place for expectations. Anyone expecting anything off you, if being irrational, is bound to get hurt if you do not sacrifice. On the other hand if you do sacrifice to meet their expectations, you will be hurt. There is no middle ground here. Never consent to irrationality. Make your stance clear. Do not expect the irrational and do not try to meet irrational expectations.

Rational people will always say that you always meet their expectations. That is not because you did anything special to meet them. You would have done those things, taken those actions regardless of their expectations. But since your ideals were similar, they benefited from it. Irrational people will always expect sacrifices and will always be hurt because you “failed” them. Do not succumb to or even encourage such behavior. Most people might be a combination of rationality and irrationality. Make sure that your association with them stays as far as their rationality remains.

You will not get hurt. No one can hurt you without your consent. Don’t expect people to be perfect, but select the aspects you want to associate yourself with.

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“This is a response to Apoorva Maheshwari’s post Too close for comfort on Vagabond’s Ramble.”

Tags: expectations, Life, love, objectivism, Philosophy, rationality